How to gain self-confidence? How to increase my low self-esteem? These are some questions that commonly show up in our minds. 

Take a moment to notice what your mind says to the above questions? Does it say, Yippee! I found something to help me gain confidence? Or does it say it’s never possible for you to become confident?  These thoughts that emerge in our mind irrespective of positive or negative play a vital role in shaping our self-confidence. 

Changing the perspective from self-esteem to self-confidence is helpful, and if you are wondering why, then reading about how self-esteem is a trap will give you more information.

What is self-confidence?

In simple words, self-confidence is the trust in one’s own qualities and abilities to take actions. Self-esteem and self-confidence are synonymous with each other. Having an improved self-esteem and better self-confidence, enhances one’s motivation to attempt at a task despite the setbacks. This implies that one can head to achieve their goals or get to perform better in the field of their choices. 

Why is it hard to gain self-confidence?

More often than not, a challenging situation gives rise to difficult thoughts and feelings. The most common thoughts that arise are – ‘I can’t do it’, ‘I am not good at it’, ‘It is very tough’, I can’t handle it, etc. There will be certain bodily sensations that occur like sweaty palms, racing heart, shivering legs, etc. All these signs are very big indicators that we are close to stepping out of our comfort zones. 

As normal human beings, we tend to get stuck at our comfort zones thinking all the difficult thoughts and sensations that we experience are bad. Usually, we observe fear and anxiety creeping in a tough situation. Negative thoughts, fear and anxiety all coming together makes us wanting to get rid of them before we plan to take actions. We also notice, trying to get rid of these thoughts and feelings are exhaustive and force ourselves to stay back in our comfort zones. 

Advantages of Self-Confidence

• Improved self-worth
• Scope for enormous personal & professional growth
• Motivation for taking risks
• Aid for meaningful relationships
• Deeper involvement in life and activities
• Greater satisfaction in life

How thoughts and feelings play a role in shaping self-confidence?

Human mind is designed to think leading to the appearance of varied thoughts. Thoughts are generally in the form of memories, words and images. On the other hand feelings are derived from strong emotions and sensations. 

We are wired to think that a positive thought or a feeling is good and negative ones are bad. In fact, human minds were evolved to think negatively, to anticipate any threat and be ready to fight in case of danger. Negative thoughts prepare us to escape a life threatening situation giving rise to the widely known – fight or flight response. 

So any thought or a feeling that arises benefits us if they are channelized in the right direction. This can be done via distinguishing between helpful and unhelpful thoughts and feelings. Take the helpful thoughts and apply to the situation, whereas when the unhelpful thought appears create distance from the thought and make space for the mind to still continue taking required actions towards our specific goals.

How therapy helps in building self-esteem and confidence?

The phenomenon of getting stuck with unhelpful thoughts and feelings is called as ‘getting hooked.’ Therapy will provide you with number of techniques that help you in ‘unhooking’ from the unhelpful thoughts and feelings which essentially means pacifying the effects of unhelpful thoughts on you. This will ensure you channelize your attention and energy towards committed actions to move closer to your goals. 

Dr. Russ Harris in his book The Confidence Gap quotes – 
“The actions of confidence come first, the feelings of confidence come later.”