Partner to a Sexual Abuse Survivor
We are slowly becoming aware of the extent of sexual abuse in our country. While you may empathise with a stranger on the news, it is tougher when the survivor is your partner.
Lately increased training and NGOs have begun for people with a history of abuse and trauma to reach out to. Families and loved ones though, may not always be equipped or taught how to help with the healing process. As a partner, emotional and physical intimacy are both equally important, and this might be a tricky situation to deal with when there is a history of abuse on either side.
But this does not mean that you cannot work through this together. There are things that you can do to show your support and love.
Communicate
If your partner has confided in you about their sexual abuse, they trust you. They may take time to give you the details or may not want to talk about it yet – that is their call to make. You need to ensure that you allow for a safe space for open and honest communication, even about things that may be uncomfortable. Hannah, a rape survivor, spoke to her husband about her abuse ten years into their marriage. This did not mean that she didn’t trust him. It was a difficult subject for her to talk about and she wasn’t ready.
Your partner may be troubled by certain touches, places, smells or habits. Understand where this is coming from and find ways to work through it. Ask questions, do not shy away or get judgmental about the details and look into their eyes as you listen. If there are certain boundaries that they do not wish to cross yet, respect that.
There are various sites, books, and papers that shall help you get a better understanding of what he or she is going through but there is no substitution for direct communication.
Get Educated
Trauma affects a person mentally as well as physically. They may have intense flashbacks, triggers, anxiety, fear of physical intimacy and body memories. Remember that a lot of these responses originated to protect the survivor during the abuse.
It does not matter if the trauma was recent or old, memories may resurface at any time, and it takes time, conscious effort and patience from both ends for the survivor to re-adjust to the relationship and sometimes, this might be hard. Being prepared and learning the reasons behind certain responses or behavioural traits might help make things better and strengthen your relationship
Consent is Priority
While this may seem obvious, the significance of consent to the survivor is critical. This does not mean just sexually, but emotionally and in life as well. Maybe they are not comfortable with specific positions in bed or do not wish to engage in oral sex. While this may be frustrating, understand that this refusal is not personal but deep-rooted within negative memories and hurt. Even decisions like where to eat, what to wear, how they look and whom they meet need to be in their control. Know their boundaries and create certain guidelines. A survivor said that her husband began by asking her if it was okay to kiss her before doing so – this made her feel safe and in control.
This does not mean that you cannot find a middle ground or work through some of the issues with time but ensure that your partner knows that they have the agency to say no when they want. Even if this is during sexual intercourse, if they start to feel uncomfortable, they can stop anytime without guilt or repercussions.
You also need to be prepared that trauma may result in a low sex drive and aversion to physical intimacy. This may require therapy, and working together as a couple. Do not rush them or make them feel like it is their fault.
What Are Their Triggers?
Trauma may cause triggers that can occur at any given time. Ruchi (name changed) was abused by her friend who was an alcoholic, and the smell of alcohol would often make her uncomfortable, especially during physical intimacy. So while her current boyfriend was also a social drinker, they reached an agreement that they would not get intimate on those days.
Each one may have their own triggers, and some may be more vicious than others. Cross these hurdles together and celebrate every victory. If you no longer ask her before kissing as she is comfortable enough now – celebrate that. These may seem like little steps but sometimes are actually giant leaps, and sharing the comfort and pride of recovery is a great joy.
Emotional Intimacy
Working through these battles may get tiring, or you may be at a phase where physical intimacy is at a low point. Do not depend entirely on touch to show your love, find other ways of expression. Talk to each other about your day, offer to do the dishes, cook meals for each other or work on a hobby together. These gestures shall lighten the load and bring you closer emotionally.
Your partner would also want you to continue looking after your own emotional well-being. If you are going through something, talk to them or seek help. You cannot help each other if you are not okay. So, do not discount your troubles and emotions. Yes, compromise may be necessary at times, but these are decisions you take together as a couple, keeping both of you in mind.
Do not hesitate to seek professional help or couples’ therapy if things get hard. This is a stigma that needs to be eliminated as much as the stigma of abuse. A therapist may be able to assist in a constructive manner, and this may be a good idea for your partner’s healing process as well.
A full-time reader and consequential writer, Riya Mehta is a blogger with a Master’s Degree in English Literature. She loves fiction and desserts, precisely in that order, and currently works as a content writer in the travel industry. Reading up on mental health ever since she was a teen, she cares about the subject deeply and hopes to break the stigma attached to it through her words.
You can reach her at https://www.linkedin.com/
A full-time reader and consequential writer, Riya Mehta is a blogger with a Master’s Degree in English Literature. She loves fiction and desserts, precisely in that order, and currently works as a content writer in the travel industry. Reading up on mental health ever since she was a teen, she cares about the subject deeply and hopes to break the stigma attached to it through her words.
You can reach her at https://www.linkedin.com/
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Call at +91 86603 88394 and we can set up a consultation.
If you would like to schedule an appointment instead, please click here: